Freedom
by Tetris-Forever-Young
Summary: Duo is depressed. Rated for swearing and Duo-angst. Chapter three up.
1. Default Chapter

Freedom  
  
(Duo POV)  
  
Why do the people who care about you always end up hurting you? In 197, I had a lover, his name was Trowa Barton. But I didn't really love him, just enough to date him for a year, then he left me. For the man I do love--Heero Yuy, I can't see how they ever got that relationship started. Probably sounded something like this:  
  
"...?" asked Trowa.  
  
"..." agreed Heero.  
  
"..." Trowa said lovingly.  
  
"...!" Heero exclaimed.  
  
Maybe Trowa and Heero were just lonely. Quatre was infatuated with Trowa for most of the war, but when they finally got around kissing, they both agreed it was like kissing a cousin or a brother. Heero and Wufei dated for a bit, but I'm guessing when they finally got around to sex, they had a problem--both of them a pure top and can't go any other way. I'm sure it happens all the time.  
  
Right now it is AC 198, and I have given up on romance. Never again, fuck it all to hell. Between now and AC 190 I have been raped more than a couple dozen times, I've had three STDs, all of which were treated with antibiotics, so I am 100% clean, and I have only twice had consentual sex.  
  
I grew up on the streets of the L2 colony cluster, survived the plague, and the Maxwell Church Massacre. You would think that after a life like mine, I would be pretty fucked up. I guess you could say I am.  
  
Every night I stay up thinking about death, and how good it would feel to finally be free. But then I look at my picture of Heero I keep in a locket around my neck, right next to my crucifix, and remember that someday I'll be able to see him again and tell him what I feel for him. Then I can kill myself. It's not like anyone will miss me, Trowa has Heero, Wufei has Zechs and Quatre, Hilde has Dorothy, Une has Sally, and Relena hates me (not that the feeling isn't mutual).   
  
Life is pointless. If there really was a God up there, he would have taken pity on me and let me die with Solo during the plague, or even during the Massacre. Can't really blame for not believing in any God except Shinigami. I haven't ever seen a miracle but I know I've seen dead people before. 


	2. Chapter Two

Freedom Chapter One  
  
(Duo POV)  
  
I am grocery shopping today. I suppose living on L1 has advantages, things like a high population so it has alot of local grocery stores. It is also illegal to own any personal transportation, other than a bicycle. The colony has a complex system of bullet trains, which produce no polution and are the fastest form of public transportation in the universe. A bullet uses elecrtomagnetism to actually hover one-fourth of an inch above the tracks. Pretty cool.  
  
I have lived on L1 since Hilde and Dorothy got married. Before, when they were just dating, me and Hilde both lived on L2, in separate houses. But after Hilde left to go live in Earth with Dorothy and be a Preventer along side the forked-eye-browed wonder. I decided to move too, so I packed up and moved to L1. I am currently living in one of L1's infamous, monotonous houses. All the houses on L1 look the same, some have a basement, but that doesn't change it's appearence much. All the houses a white with a grey roof, they have the same design, and they all have a tree in front of them. Except, i painted my front door red, so it is special.  
  
I heard that Wufei was on a mission on L1 today. I am hoping to avoid him at all costs. Wufei has special senses that can tell when you're lying to him, especially when you are hiding emotions. I don't think I'd be able to hide my suicidal feelings from him. But I don't see why he should be so upset about me wanting to be dead, he has always gave me the impression that he didn't like me very much. But the thing about Wufei is, he is severly honor-bound, I can't help but think he wouldn't hesitate to lock me away in a padded room for good.  
  
But maybe, I'm over reacting. Maybe he wouldn't notice, or maybe he wouldn't care. I hope he wouldn't notice, much as Wufei dislikes me, it would still hurt to know that he doesn't care that I'm emotionally hurt and dying. I wonder if people would think I'm selfish because I'm in love with Heero and he's with Trowa. I know Wufei would, he's like that.  
  
(Heero POV)  
  
I visited Relena in prison yesterday. She got sent to jail when someone ratted on her about all the illegal shit she's done (like stalking and reading other people's mail) and at the party we had after the Mariemaia thing, she thought that Duo was in love with me (I honestly haven't got any idea where she got that idea) and felt that she could never get me to show my true feeling towards her with him in the way. So she shot Duo in the chest, almost killed him too. He was in a coma for a month and after that his self confidence was pretty much gone. So as soon as he fully recovered, he packed up and left for the L2 colony cluster.  
  
Now, Duo, is living on L1. At first, I wasn't sure why Duo wanted to live on a Japanese colony. Of course, I didn't know he could speak Japanese, appearently he does.   
  
I've decided to visit Duo today. That's why I'm on a shuttle to L1 right now. I suppose I should have called first, but Howard only gave me Duo's address. I wish I would have visited him sooner. I don't think I would be as normal as I am now if it wasn't for him. He introduced me to reading books and smiling.   
  
I wouldn't have ever been able to have semi-successful relationships if I hadn't met Duo. Maybe that's why Relena thought Duo loved me. When I found out that was why she shot him, I just started laughing! I think I would know if Duo was in love with me, Duo isn't afraid of rejection. He would have said something.  
  
Wouldn't he?  
  
(Duo's POV)  
  
I am so bored. Since I got home from my shopping, I've been meandering about my house, picking up reandom clutter and dusting off knick-knacks. I suppose I should vacuum after I'm done to finish the job. God, I feel like a housewife right now. I even have a some rice-crispie treats cooling on my kitchen counter.  
  
I'm almost done cleaning now. I just have to vacuum my bedroom, then I can eat my treats and sit down with my favorite book ever, 'Catcher in the Rye'. Ever since Relena shot me and I found out that there is no way in hell that Heero will ever love me, I've become a bit of a book freak. Some of my favorites are 'Catcher in the Rye', 'Boy Meets Boy', 'The Earth, My Butt, and Other Big Round Things', and 'Ella Enchanted' (1).  
  
I guess that kinda means that Relena was good for something. Of course, I'd liked 'Catcher in the Rye' since I was fifteen, during the war. I even got Heero into it. I think I have that kind of effect on people. The odd talent to affect their actions. Pretty pointless talent if you ask me, it wouldn't do you any good unless your friend was trying to kill himself--and I'm the only one I know who is even remotely suicidal.  
  
I wish Heero loved me. I know I love him more than anything in the world. But I'm too afraid of rejection to say anything. I'm just a stupid, horrible coward. I don't even deserve to live anymore.  
  
I was brought out of my reverie when I here tapping on my door. I turn off the vacuum cleaner and walk to the door. I hope it isn't Wufei. That would just about ruin my whole fucking day. Slowly I open the door, praying to God it isn't Wufei.  
  
It isn't. It's Heero. I haven't seen Heero since after I got out of the hospital from my bullet wound. God, I hope he isn't just here to tell me Relena died or some shit like that.  
  
"Hi, Duo! How have you been?" oh my God, since when is he ever this happy?  
  
"I've been fine," I'm such a liar.  
  
"Great! Can I come in?"  
  
I mentally slap myself for being so rude to the love of my life. "Oh, sorry, Heero. Come in. I've got some rice-crispie treats, would you like one?"  
  
"Yeah, okay," I didn't know Heero liked sweet stuff.  
  
I led him into my living room and go off to the kitchen.  
  
(Heero's POV)  
  
It didn't take long to find Duo's home. Since I grew up on L1, I knew where his street was. Duo's house looks just like all the others on his street, except for the black, metal house-numbers by the door reading '289'.  
  
I walk up the steps to Duo's front door and knock lightly. I wait a few moments before I see Duo's face poking out from inside the house.  
  
"Hi, Duo! How have you been?"  
  
"I've been fine," that's good, I was afraid I would find Duo a real mess.  
  
"Great! Can I come in?" I hope I don't sound too happy.  
  
"Oh, sorry, Heero. Come in. I've got some rice-crispie treats, would you like one?"   
  
"Yeah, okay," yum! I love reice-crispie treats.  
  
Duo led me into the living room and he leaves for the kitchen. I notice 'Catcher in the Rye' sitting on Duo's coffee table. I pick it up and flip to my favorite part.  
  
(Duo's POV)  
  
I cannot believe Heero-fucking-Yuy is in my living room right now! Jesus Christ, what a way to depress me more. And why the hell is he so happy? I thought he was the Mr. Stoic-Dark-and-Silent of the year!  
  
Dammit, this sucks. Why did Heero wait two years before visiting me? Does he really just not like me very much? Is he just doing this because Quatre made him? Of all my old war friends, Trowa is the only one who visits me regularly and Quatre calls everyday. Wufei and I have seen each other three times in the last two years, all of which were when I was on a mission.  
  
I haven't made any new friends on L1. I'm kind of a lost cause when it comes to being social. I guess it could be worse, I could be drinking, or doing drugs, or even out whoring myself shudder. If you look at it that way, cutting myself and wanting to die isn't as bad as it could be.  
  
At least, I think it is.  
  
(Footnotes)  
  
1- these are all really good books, I love all of them. 


	3. Chapter Three

Freedom Chapter Three  
  
(Duo's POV)  
  
Sometimes I just want to crawl under a rock and dissapear. Ya know? Sweet dreams world, I've got better things to do? Heero left a little while ago. He has gotten a job on L1, as a Preventer, and is moving here. He wants to be 'buddies' again.  
  
Holy-fucking-shit, Heero! Do you somehow expect me to, after not seeing you for a year, just accept you back into my life? I don't think so, pallie! You've gotta earn that from me. I haven't had any other contact besides Quatre and Trowa once a month or so. My facts have been so fucked up, Heero dumped Trowa along time ago, Trowa is now with Quatre, who dumped Zechs and Wufei, who are still with each other. The only thing I don't get is why hadn't Quatre or Trowa informed me of this change of pairings? Why did they leave me in the dark? That is soooo cruel, man. So cruel.  
  
If you ever were to have met Heero during the war, you would think he was the biggest son of a bitch you'd ever met. But now he seems more content with himself and much more pleasant to be around, hell he's more pleasant than I am, of course, the way I am now--most people are. Quatre just about had a coronary after he called me for the first time, since I'd left, after about a month because I was such a 'cynical old dick' as he put it. If he were to visit me, he would be able to tell what was my problem, with his space heart and all.  
  
Trowa at least is the kinda person who won't pry, he figures that's you're problem and it hasn't got anything do with him. Trowa just kills me sometimes, I can just picture him standing in a corner with his arms crossed, just thinking to himself what idiots we are--making fun of us. It's really a Trowa-type thing to do.  
  
Wufei might do that kind of thing too, but he would be more likely to tell you. I think of all the people I've ever met (allies anyways) he is the scarriest of all--he once lost his white poofy pants. He blamed me, he thought I was the one who stole them as a trick. He had chopped two inches off my braid when Quatre walked in the room with Wufei's laundry--with his poofy pants on top. God, that made me mad.  
  
I had a boyfriend once that was kinda like Wufei's , Quatre's, and Trowa's personalities all smooshed into one, his name was Shay Hing. He was this real weird half Chinese dude, he had longish hair that was really dark red and sexy black eyes. See, he was like Quatre because he could always tell when something was wrong and just how to fix it, he was really quiet too, like Trowa, standoffish like Trowa also. But he was really aggressive when he needed to be--like Wufei, he also didn't stand for any crap and could always tell when you were lying to him (like Wufei can).  
  
But I had to let him go, he was in love with a guy called Jamie Holden, Jamie was a real cute red-head with hair almost as long as mine. I had prettier eyes though, his were bright brown, and he was alot paler than I am, even now.  
  
And... holy shit--I'm ranting. I tend to do that when I'm nervous. Sometimes I just feel like I'm sleeping with my eyes wide open, I can see, hear, and feel everything, but my mind is just ranting on about just shit, that's what I'm doing now--sleeping with my eyes wide open. 


End file.
